How to Launder Money But Not Like Me, by George Cottrell (as imagined by John Crace)

The Guardian’s parliamentary sketch writer imagines Nigel Farage’s right-hand man’s thinking behind his book, How to Launder Money

Anti-money-laundering laws are supposed to stop the illicit flow of money. So far, they seem to have stopped next to nothing. About 5% of the global economy is illicit and only 0.05% is stopped by AML laws.

Which makes me, George, something of a rarity. The idiot member of the 1% who actually got done for conspiring to launder money. Just think, while 99% of criminals were getting away with it, I had the bright idea of telling an audience of undercover members of the US Inland Revenue Service in Las Vegas how I could clean up their drug money for them. Much to my surprise, they didn’t take me up on my offer. I was arrested on money-laundering charges at Chicago airport. Still, I did a plea bargain and the charges were reduced to wire fraud and I did eight months in prison. So no harm done.