The Mariners as things in or near my apartment: 2026

There’s been enough roster turnover since the last time we did this to warrant a new edition of the classic Jeff Sullivan bit.

Logan Gilbert

I love him so much, and it feels life-ruining when he’s bad.

J.P. Crawford

This was more useful when the radio function worked too, but it still tells time. I’m not getting rid of something that still does one thing well.

Luke Raley and Dominic Canzone

Sometimes having two of the exact same thing is redundant, but there’s plenty of room for both of these here.

Julio Rodríguez

This is simultaneously hugely popular and yet still underrated. Some people want to insist that it’s bad for the sake of having a contrarian take, but those people are dumb and wrong.

Mitch Garver

When I use this once a week, I don’t spend any time thinking about it. When I have to use it more often than that, something’s gone horribly wrong.

Cole Young

He makes me smile every time I look at him.

Emerson Hancock

I thought I was done with this, but it’s been a huge source of joy the past couple months.

Eduard Bazardo

This seems like it should be a luxury item. And it is. But it’s also necessary—the whole room doesn’t really work without it.

Bryce Miller

This has been sitting in a box since I moved in, but I just hooked it up and am excited to start using it again.

George Kirby

I acknowledge that this is objectively good—it’s just not a personal favorite.

Cal Raleigh

I moved to DC during the pandemic and away from DC this winter. So this was a lot more valuable to me from 2022 to 2025 than it has been in 2026.

Matt Brash

I got this basically for free. It takes more maintainance than I’d like, but it’s one of my favorite things now.

Alex Hoppe

Every time I look at these, I am reminded of life’s impermanence.

Colt Emerson

I bought this recently, and it has immediately made my life much better.

Luis Castillo

This has a lot of sentimental value to me, but I don’t really have a good place to put it.

Gabe Speier

I loved Taylor Swift before everyone else did, and I’m genuinely happy they’ve caught up, even if loving her is a less interesting fact about me now.

Víctor Robles

I don’t know why I still have this.

Jhonny Pereda

Acquired for emergencies, but there’s no reason you couldn’t use it on other occassions.

Randy Arozarena

The lock on this gate doesn’t work properly, so this is not a good defensive strategy. What it does do is swing really violently, and make a very loud noise when it connects.

Andres Muñoz

I looked great in this as recently as last summer, but I’m carrying a little too much weight right now for it to have the same effect. I’m optimistic that’s a short term problem though.

Bryan Woo

It doesn’t seem like this stuff should work, but it’s a miracle product.

Josh Naylor

I suppose I wouldn’t literally die without this, but is that really a good thing? I mean, what kind of life would that be?